And then it happened...

It's been 10 days. Only 10 days. I cannot believe how much has happened in the past 10 days. It has been comforting having family in town and friends stopping by. And of course, it has been a distraction. A great distraction to say the least.

My great friend, Christina, got the call that a kidney was ready for her son, Jonah. Jonah has been waiting for this kidney for a long time, and has been through so much to make it to this point. More surgeries than Conley. And just as much heartache. Jonah and his family have been through way more than the average kidney family. Every turn was met with obstacles. But, they got the call within 48 hours of Conley's passing. It seems as though Conley got right to work up there!

The paper our fetal specialist wrote about the amnioinfusions we had during our pregnancy with Conley was released. All this happened in the same weekend.

And then Choice was sent home from school with a fever. I spent most of the week catering to him and lugging him around with me to do different tasks. He of course enjoyed every minute of it!

We planted Conley's beautiful Texas Redbud tree in our front yard and spread some of his ashes under the roots. Yes, we had Conley cremated because I couldn't bare the thought of having him laying on his back in the ground for the rest of his life. He laid on his back in a hospital bed for too many days of his life. Now, he will always be with us. In our home, and right outside. If I want to be with him.

I opted to get back into the Bikram Yoga (what was I thinking?!).

I spent one day in the San Antonio Transplant Hospital visiting Jonah and family as he is recovering from his kidney transplant, and then met Jonathan and Choice at the zoo. Choice had never been to the zoo before.

It was a busy 10 days. So far, I've been okay. Okay is the word I've been using when people ask how I am because there is no word to really describe how I am feeling. And honestly, it depends when you ask. I knew at some point all of this would hit me, but I wasn't sure when. And then it happened...

Today I decided to get back into Crossfit. There were many things I gave up so I could solely focus on Conley's care and provide him everything he needed. In the beginning, I tried to do it all. To work, to exercise, to plan ahead...but it was just too much to juggle. I was too exhausted to do my one job which was taking care of Conley. I think the hardest thing for me to give up and truly accept was my health and fitness. There was no time to work out. And yes, all those people who post about how there are no excuses to not work out and eat healthy have never lived my life the last year. Or the life of any special needs mother. It is nearly impossible to do consistently. There was minimal time to cook, eat healthy or monitor your food intake because you ate when and what you could, since you never knew exactly when you would be able to eat again. You never knew when you would spend the next 8 hours in the emergency room. I spent a good part of the last few months leaning over the hospital bed attempting to comfort Conley or sitting next to Conley's crib, holding his hand. The last thing I thought about was working out and eating healthy because my son was dying.

There were many, many times that I was angry, resentful and mad that I had to give up my fitness and health. I have always worked out and been healthy. I grew up playing every sport possible. That was my coping mechanism. I hate admitting how angry I was about this. I found myself resenting Conley at times, and of course, that is hard to admit because it is so wrong to feel that way. And I feel immense guilt for that. For awhile, I tried working out even when Conley was sick, but ultimately, he was the priority. If I could make it to the gym, I was stoked. If not, oh well. But these past four months that Conley was so sick, the last thing I thought about was going to the gym. Until one Monday, three weeks ago. I had packed a bag to try out a new gym close to the hospital where Conley did dialysis for four hours. I figured I could sneak away for an hour since he had our amazing nurse with him. But, that ended up being the Monday he stopped breathing during dialysis. I could tell he wasn't feeling good, so I decided not to go work out - that's typically how it went down. Bag in car, ready to work out, having it all planned. And then I defaulted to stay with Conley because I could tell something was wrong. I cannot even imagine the guilt I would have felt if I would have left to work out and came back to find out he had stopped breathing.

But, today, I went to Crossfit. Because why not? Choice was back at school and all the family was gone. Friends are back to work and normal life continues for everyone else. So, why not me? I thought now is the time to try my new normal. I knew something was different as I drove closer to the gym and my stomach dropped. My heart felt sad and I didn't really understand why I had tears in my eyes. I sat in the car for 10 minutes to gather myself. It was great getting back into the gym and see all the familiar faces. Everyone was so welcoming and supporting, as always. I loved seeing all the people I've missed. But, I found myself becoming very emotional. All I wanted for the last 20 months (I couldn't work out during my pregnancy since it was so high risk) was to work out consistently and get back on a schedule. To be fit. To have a life. To be health. I wanted it so much that I became angry and depressed at times, and then complacent. So, why wasn't I excited to be there? As a friend of mine said during a recent breakfast date, "I'm thrilled to have access to some of your newly free time and heartbroken about why your time has become free." And that's when it hit me. The reason I could go back to working out without constraints is because Conley is gone. I tried to push these feelings aside and enjoy being in the moment, like Conley would want. I even set myself in the back corner for the strength part of the workout, partly because I was worried I would look like an idiot, and partly because walking into the gym made me emotional. I found myself tearing up between each strength set, leaning up against the wall, feeling so guilty that I had been angry at Conley, at the situation, for so long. I felt like curling up in a ball. I had a surreal feeling that I was in my own world, with people laughing around me and the music blaring, but I was all alone with my thoughts. I should have just enjoyed him more and not always desired to be somewhere else. And now that I was somewhere else, I wanted nothing more than to run home and be with Conley. But he wasn't going to be there when I got home. The last time I drove home from Crossfit, I was going to see Conley. And just like that, everything triggered feelings of sadness. I saw Bluebonnets on the drive home and thought how I never took a picture of Conley in the Bluebonnets like every other family. I passed a plant nursery and remembered how much Conley loved the butterfly healing garden. I just let myself grieve on the way home and took in the sadness, like I had always done. It is part of the process of healing. When I arrived at the house, I went over to Conley's tree and told him I loved him. And then, I felt the urge to blog. So I did. Because I know that all these feelings are normal and real, and I wanted to be able to remember all of these moments, good or bad. Someone, somewhere can relate, and I hope that it can bring comfort to them.

Choice went up and gave Conley kisses all weekend.