A birthday to remember

I've had many mixed emotions leading to today. It's definitely not the way any mother wants to spend her child's birthday, let alone the 1st birthday. We obviously spent many holidays in the hospital and it never gets easier. But, today has also helped me remember Conley before all of this happened. That sweet, charismatic, strong, loving, and feisty boy we all grew to admire. Nurses who didn't know Conley pre-surgery often ask me, "Does he smile?" "Does he talk?" "Does he cry?" My first reaction has been anger and sadness, thinking that somehow who Conley is has been lost in all of this. It's sad to me that they didn't know Conley before all of this, how happy he is, how much he smiled, how he loved saying mama and clapping. How happy he made all of us. I really miss him, and today only makes that harder.

I don't know quite how to celebrate his birthday given the circumstances we are in. I should be overwhelmed and stressing about where to have his party, or what theme it will be, and what flavor smash cake I want. He shouldn't be on life support, restrained to the bed, with his stomach cut open and heading to surgery this afternoon. There are many times I have been strong despite the path we've had, but today I'm allowing myself to not be okay, to not be strong or happy. Today is what it is and I've accepted that.

A recommendation from one of Conley's doctors gave me a great way to not only help others know Conley's true personality and who he was before surgery, but to also celebrate his first year of life. I printed off several pictures of him throughout the year that resemble what an amazing boy he is. Yes, I was that lady crying in Staples as I looked through pictures of our journey so far. I made a collage of all these pictures and placed it on the wall right by his crib so everybody that came into the room could see what a journey he's had so far. It's pretty badass considering most of the supplies were donated by the hospital.

While doing this, it made me remember how sick he was in the NICU. Doctors that have known him from the beginning came in and helped me reminisce to other times we made it through setbacks. One picture I printed was the day before his first surgery at two days old, and I showed that to his same surgeon that came in to prep me for his surgery this afternoon. Another picture of daddy holding him for the first time brought memories back to his nephrologist. These moments made me remember that we've been here many times before, in utero and in the NICU. But, we overcame all that, and had eight months at home, making all those times a distant memory. That gives me hope and confidence that we can do it again. Plus, who else will be able to say they had their stomach stitched back together on their first birthday. That's going to be a pretty good college essay!

Thank you for all the birthday wishes.